"If you say it out loud, it won't come true..."

I think wishes being jinxed when said aloud applies to much more than birthdays. It seems like every time I tell someone what my goals are, I fall short. Nonetheless, here I am, throwing caution to the wind. I'm telling you my wish...

I wish to be thin again.

I cringe to even type the words. It just feels like bad luck. But that's not fair. I should be able to voice my wishes and, hopefully, get some added support to reach those dreams.

I had an epiphany of sorts last weekend. I was feeling down (everyone has those days) about things in general. I won't get into details as they are certainly carbon copies of the random things everyone gets bummed over from time to time. But something struck me this time. While I may not be in control of things like the economy, school, job market, etc., I am in total and complete control of my body. Strange as it may sound, this made something click inside me. I am in complete control of what I take into my body and how I take care of it.

I feel a renewed endurance for this diet and exercise crap I've been doing for the last two months (again, with no results). I realized I haven't been doing everything I could be to get me to my goal. Now I've been able to keep this new motto, if you will, in mind with everything I do. I feel like I can do this, because it's my body. And nothing, not money, not school, not my husband, not anything or anyone can do it for me.

So, here I go. I think I'm doing fairly well, though, as I've lost four pounds. I'm sure that's not just since Sunday; I'm not delusional. But even seeing that helps motivate me. And, to really give myself some accountability, I'm willing to bear it all. Right here and now. I'm going to post my full picture, weight and measurements every month on this blog as a sort of progress report. So, if you're reading this, wish me luck, I guess.

Life is Good...

I am generally an advocate of appreciating the here and now. Being happy with what you've got and not always looking for the next thing to make you happy. But, even I sometimes get caught up in just worrying about my next move. Today has been a good day, and it made me stop and appreciate where I am in life. First of all, it is a beautiful day today. Cool at 40 degrees, but hardly a cloud in the sky. Second, I had an interview for an internship with Wasatch Woman magazine. I use the word "interview" loosely, as Pam (the editor in chief) said it wasn't really an interview. It went really well and I will be able to intern with them this summer. It's amazing because the magazine industry is exactly where I want to work. And this is a really great magazine that focuses on women in northern Utah. I just applied on a whim. I read the magazine and thought, "Why not?" So I emailed them and sent them some clips and here I am. And she said that since the magazine is growing, they are interested in grooming the interns to become permanent employees. That would, obviously, be an amazing opportunity. So, I guess the lesson for the day is appreciate your life at whatever stage your in and take the chance. You never know what might happen.

I've been tagged... How exciting!

My Husband

1-Where did you meet your husband?
I high school. I was going with a friend to hang out with a guy she liked and some of his friends out in Corinne (if you know the area, you know how pathetic this is). I saw Mat and I immediately thought he was very attractive. I don't know if he said more than five words to me that night, but he was hot, so I didn't even care.

2- How long did you date before getting married?
We dated for a year and eight months before we got married. I hold the record in my family for longest courtship. Though part of that is because we were still in high school.

3-How long have we been married?
6 years and 4 months. Phew! It really doesn't feel like it's been that long.

4- What does he do that surprises you?
I don't think I fully understand this question. But, I'll try. It surprises me that for not being very religious, he has wonderful morals and values. He's a good person without really believing there's a carrot at the end of the stick. It surprises me when he knows the words to a song that I never would have guessed he likes. It surprises me when he's willing to see a ballet with me. It surprises me when he's so sensitive to me and my feelings and that he's just willing to listen to me vent and bitch without trying to fix things.

5- What is your favorite feature of his?
I love his eyes. They are dark brown. And I love his shoulders; so broad! And I love his legs; they aren't chicken-y at all. Very nice.

6- What is his best quality?
Besides what I listed in question 5? I guess his ability to make me feel so content. No matter what's going on or how stressed I am, when he wraps his arms around me it's like nothing in the world is wrong. He just makes me feel very safe.

7-Does he have a nickname for you?
Girly, Chickie, Butt...

8- What is his favorite food?
Lasagna. He loves cheese. And steak, when he cooks it at least. He makes a mean steak.

9- What is his favorite sport?
I'm actually the sports fan in the relationship. He likes to play football, a little. But he doesn't watch any at all.

10- When did you first kiss?
We kissed the night we met. Just a little peck. He claims I kissed him, but he totally kissed me.

11- What is your favorite thing to do as a couple?
We are homebodies. We love cuddling and watching movies. Sunday afternoon naps on the couch are a personal favorite of mine.

12- Do you have any children?
Nope.

13- Does he have any hidden talents?
He's amazingly creative and I don't think many people get to see that side of him. He's great at woodworking, as well. He's built quite a bit of our furniture. He's got a good eye for art, too.

14- How old is he?
26

15- What is his favorite music?
I guess you'd just call is rock. Metallica, Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, Hinder...

16- What do you admire about him?
He is very caring, and sensitive to me. He is extremely kind and giving. And he almost never raises his voice to me, which I'm pretty sure I make difficult. He's just a very loving person.

17- What's his favorite color?
I honestly don't think he has one. As far as clothes go, he likes more muted colors, black, gray, brown, blue...

18- Will he read this?
Not unless he comes in and looks over my shoulder.

19- Who said "I love you" first?
He did. It didn't take him very long either. It took me a little longer to say back.

20- Who do I tag??? - Nikki Kirby, Ashley Hansen, Chelsea Hansen.... I don't think anyone else reads my blog...

5 things I am addicted to...

I've been tagged. I've never been tagged before, it's quite exciting. So, here goes...

1.) Coca Cola. It's a sickness, really. I'm fully aware that if I were to quit, I could easily lose ten pounds. But I'm just not strong enough. I get cravings that simply cannot be ignored.

2.) Scarves. All shapes, sizes and colors. I love all the different ways you can wrap them, and they way they add a splash of color to an outfit. Not to mention, they are usually rather inexpensive.

3.) Crocheting/yarn. I picked it up a few years ago, and I just love it. It's my favorite way to relax. Though it will give me a nasty kink in the neck if I do it for too long. But I just love mastering a new stitch and perusing the yarn section of the craft store, imagining all the wonderful things I could make.

4.) My husband. Sure, there are days I'd like to smother him in his sleep. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. But I don't think I could go without him. The way he wraps his arm around me and makes me feel utterly safe, or the way he looks at me when I'm in my pajamas like I'm the hottest thing he's ever seen. The list would simply be too long to attempt. Suffice it to say, he makes me very happy. (Sorry, no pic. He's very camera shy.)

5.) Shoes. Okay, I know. I couldn't be a bigger cliche. And I do basically love all things fashion related, but there is truly something special about shoes. I mean, when was the last time you tried on a shoe and felt like it made your butt look fat. Shoes can make or break and outfit. And one glance into my closet suggests I can't get enough.

Wow, this was harder than I expected. So, I guess at this point I am supposed to tag people. Well, I guess I tag my sisters, Sam, Jeni and Kristine. Have fun girls!

New Years Resolutions

It usually only takes me a week or two before I've broken my New Year's resolution, which tends to involve my weight in some way. I was resolved not to make any resolutions this year, but I changed my mind after thinking about it some more. The idea of the resolution isn't a bad one; deciding to make the new year better than the last. For me, resolutions always ended up being, well, a little one-dimensional. I mean, if I lost twenty pounds, sure I'd be happy. But I wouldn't really affect the things I think it would. Confused? What I mean is, even if I'm twenty pounds lighter, that wouldn't magically give me better grades, a better job, or a better life in general. So, this year I'm trying to make a resolution that will positively affect every aspect in my life in some way. This year, I'm just going to try to live a more inspired life. I want to find something that inspires me to be healthier, to try new things, to become more passionate. As my brother said, "life doesn't repeat itself." I keep thinking once I graduate, then I can start living. Or once I move out of this little town, then I can start living. But I want to find inspiration now. I don't want to be an observer of life, I want to live it. So here's to living inspired! What are your resolutions this year?

Christmas: This used to be a lot easier...

Well, another Christmas has come and gone. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit... deflated. I don't want to sound like a "bah humbug", because Christmas really is my favorite holiday. It's just that, for the last several years, it has felt different. I think part of my problem is that I keep expecting Christmas to be what I remember it being as a child. I still get that excited feeling as the holiday season starts, but that excited feeling is because I'm waiting for an experience that I really can't get anymore. You know, the way it used to be when I was a kid. My mother always made the Christmas season so amazing. But, it's true what they say, you can't go home again. I think I keep getting let down by the holiday because I hold it up to those memories. I mean, let's face it; if you aren't a kid or you don't have kids, Christmas just isn't what it was. And maybe that's what's wrong. I keep wanting it to be what it was, when everything else about my life has changed. I need to find a way to stop being disappointed by what Christmas isn't and start enjoying Christmas for what it is to me now. I need to find out a way for Christmas to take on a new meaning for me; with new traditions, and new memories. I know Christmas is about giving and being around family. It's not like I don't appreciate those things. I love getting to see my family, and I love giving gifts. It's the feeling that seems missing. I just need to accept that I'm not going to come home one day and see my mom making cookies while listening to Christmas music. I need to be the one making cookies while listening to Christmas music. Because I really do love the holidays. I just need to stop trying to relive the past and start enjoying the now. That may be a very good resolution for the New Year. Enjoying what I've got now, instead of waiting until it's gone to miss it, too.

Mine eyes have seen the glory

I just filled up my tank for $16!!! Can you believe that?! Sixteen bucks and some change! I felt a little like an idiot as I'm standing there pumping gas with this stupid grin on my face. But I was just so elated.
Maybe I won't have to get a job to afford clothes. With my gas budget cut in half, I think I need to go shopping...

I'm an emotional eater

And I think I've been in denial about it. I just had the longest week that concluded with a really crappy day! I registered for classes today and two crucial classes I needed were completely full. This could set me back an entire semester! So, I'm fairly upset. And how do I deal with it? Well, after almost two weeks of eating rather healthy and exercise very regularly, I get Mat to buy cheeseburgers! And they weren't even good and kinda made me sick! I've never really thought of myself as an emotional eater. But I think I am. I had this helpless feeling after I registered for classes I didn't want and just thought to myself "Screw it!" Not a good attitude about food, for one. And as I thought about it, I do that more often than I probably should. It like I eat things I know are bad for me in order to reward myself for putting up with bad things. As a way of almost cheering myself up. And boy does it work. I usually feel sick afterward and always feel guilty. It's kind of funny how the mind works. All I can do now is try to move on, I guess. And vow to do better tomorrow... I'm still pissed about my classes though!!

The Ghost of Halloweens Past

Growing up, Halloween was one of the greatest holidays. Not only was it great to dress up, but trick-or-treating was one of the most enjoyable traditions out there. Back when you'd get all dressed up and, with supervision of course, you walk around your neighborhood door-to-door, ringing doorbells and yelling trick or treat with such thrill that you barely noticed the terrible cold (Utah+October=FREEZING!!). But this tradition is fast becoming nothing more than a memory. First, it moved from door-to-door to trunk-r-treat. This may have been a Utah thing as it centered around the Mormon church. The members would get together in the parking lot and kids would go from trunk to trunk collecting candy. Though this still kept the essence of trick-or-treating, it lacked any real threat of the trick and the event went more quickly than the door-to-door method. Then our little town also tried what we called BooFest, where the local businesses on downtown would give out candy to trick-or-treaters. Sadly, both of these traditions have faded and it's simply not safe to go around trick-or-treating anymore, even in our little town. In my opinion the only solution to this is to throw a party. Whether it is simply a family party, or a neighborhood block party, it's really the only route to go anymore. Adults have been having costume parties for years now, but I'm more worried about the kids. But there are so many websites out there giving ideas for Halloween parties, the work is almost done for you. Costume contests are almost necessary, because we don't want to lose the importance of dressing up. And the food is always key, with cauldrons full bubbling over with dry ice, and a menu with spooky names. Or, for slightly older kids, create a haunted house. I loved doing this when I was younger. You could do it in a garage or use laundry line and put up partitions in the back yard. Do it just for the family, or invite the whole neighborhood over. Also, check out this article for some other great and easy alternatives to trick-or-treating, it had the best info I've found. We can't let Halloween die. Just because we can't safely send our kids out trick-or-treating doesn't mean Halloween can't be just as fantastic, if not better. Just don't forget to tell your kids what Halloween used to be like.

Experiences...

We had an interesting assignment in one of my classes a little while ago to write down ten experiences or adventures we'd like to have in our lives. I really liked the assignment, so I decided to list my ten here. Some of them are very simple, while others may take me a few years. They're not in any particular order, and I'm sure this list will be changed and added to as time goes on, but it's still fun to think about. As mom always taught, life really isn't about the things you acquire, but the experiences you attain...

1. Live in New York City: This one is actually my number one, though I'm not sure when it will happen...

2. Learn French: I've always wanted to be bilingual. Honestly, I'd also like to learn Spanish and Italian as well.

3. Try sushi: Like I said, some of these won't take much effort.

4. Write a book and get it published: Don't ask me the subject, cause I don't know.

5. Run/Complete a 5K: Walking a 5K would probably kill me at this point, but it's good to be ambitious.

6. Visit Europe: Well, western Europe anyway; Spain, France, Italy, England, Ireland, etc.

7. Road trip the old Route 66: I've always thought a road trip would be fun, and Route 66 has to be the most famous.

8. Learn to paint: Watercolor is actually what I'm most interested in, though oil painting would obviously be cool, too.

9. Master yoga: Yoga is hard! Way harder than I expected.

10. Go on a safari: A real one, I really want to touch an elephant. It would just be great to see those animals in their habitat.

Some of these are a little short-sighted. But, I guess that way as I cross them off my list, I can add more to them. I'm sure I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking "Crap! That should have made it on my list!" but oh well. This is my list as of right now. To me, these are more important that owning a new car, or buying that big new house (or loft, for someone like myself). Besides, those things seem to be getting harder and harder to acquire. But there's nothing stopping me from training for a 5K, or writing a book, for that matter. What would be on your list?

My Bipolar Body Image

Ok, you know how they say people who suffer from anorexia or bulimia have a skewed body image. So that if they look in the mirror, they don't see what they really look like, they see someone who is fat. Well, I'm pretty sure I have the opposite problem. And yes, I say problem, because it's still a skewed image. When I look in the mirror some days I see someone who, while being a little overly voluptuous, really isn't too bad. Then I see myself in pictures, and it makes me wonder how off the image in my head is. Again, I'm not looking for any "oh, Becky, but you're beautiful" or "you're not fat", I'm just relaying an interesting thing I've noticed about myself. I don't want reassurance, I'm more interested to hear if this has ever happened to anyone else. And after I have seen myself in a picture or gone clothes shopping (a hell in it's own right) I go the other way and every time I look in the mirror, I see something I'm not so happy with. On those days, all I can focus on is how bloated I feel or how uncomfortable my clothes are. Is this too depressing, because I really don't mean it that way. I see it more as an phenomenon of the female psyche. And I must say, it makes getting ready in the morning a real bitch!

Do Opposites Really Attract?

As I was up Logan canyon this weekend camping with my in-laws, I couldn't help but look over at my sweet husband and think, "You owe me!" Anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm not a camper. I'm barely a sit in the park with a picnic kind of girl. And as I sat there, in the dirt and bugs, I wondered how my husband and I got along so well. We are complete opposites in so many facets of our lives, it's almost scary to list. He listens to hard rock, I listen to alternative/contemporary. I drive a small, fuel efficient Civic, he drives a large, much less fuel efficient F-150. Everything from what we like to do in our spare time (think crocheting vs Xbox) to where we want to live is very different. Sometimes, when I think about it too much, it starts to concern me. What if, with all of these differences, we grow apart. Then I think of the saying "opposites attract". Sure, they attract, but do they stay together? I go on to try to think of why we are happy together. Is it because we are attracted to each other and don't mind doing things separately? I don't think it's that simple, because we really enjoy spending time together. Being the type to over analyze, (thanks for the collective gasp), I've really put some time and thought into this subject. Do opposites truly attract? Well, sure, but I think it's deeper than that. Certainly we can seem almost ridiculously opposed in our likes and dislikes, but when it comes to core values and feelings, we are quite similar. Such as, we always put the other before anyone or anything else in our lives. There is no question between us that we are in this together. And, in being quite different from one another in some ways, we bring out the best in one another. For example, I've always been very independent, to the point of being reserved and aloof. My husband brought out in me utter trust that makes me feel so safe with him I let my guard down. And, as far as my husband goes, he was never really motivated before. But, wanting the best for the both of us in life, he generates that motivation in himself to improve. Realizing this makes me feel so much better about our superficial differences. Clearly, no relationship is perfect. But, my mother always said, you're not perfect, but you're perfect for one another. So, I think I can handle the music, and the Xbox. Cause I feel like the best person I can be when I'm with him.