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My neurosis

I'd like to take a moment to thank those of you who have been so supportive through my last few posts. Particularly when taking into consideration that I am a

crazy person!

I think I may be somewhat neurotic about this whole weight-loss thing. Ok, maybe completely neurotic. I have now somehow managed to come to a conclusion of sorts. It really doesn't matter what the scale says. To an extent anyway. While I still fully plan on tracking some of my progress through actual weight loss, I'm thinking I should focus on more. For instance, is it more important that I weigh 130 pounds, or that I have toned, sexy legs that I want to show off in dresses? Is is better to weigh 130 pounds, or to feel good in a bikini again?

Really, my new conclusion is no less shallow than my last. What I'm focusing on now is how I actually look, as opposed to what I weigh. So, even if that damn scale says I weigh 150 pounds, if I look good, then to hell with it!

Healthy Body Fat Percentage

On my initial meeting with my trainer, she measured my body fat percentage. Needless to say, it was WAY too high. And if I remember correctly, I had 116 pounds of lean body mass, i.e. muscle, bones, organs, etc. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but lately I have been trying to set a realistic and healthy "goal weight" for myself.

I was 120 in high school, but I've come to the realization that that ship has sailed. So I was thinking maybe 130 would be more realistic.

I couldn't remember what my trainer had said a healthy body fat percentage was, so I googled it and several different sources said for women age 20-40 the range is 21%-33%. I was stunned! That seems like a TON of body fat. I took out my little calculator and figured that with my 116 pounds of lean body mass I have now, adding 21% body fat, I would weigh 146 pounds. That doesn't seem like the weight of a fit, healthy 25-year-old.

Then on top of that, I calculated what my BMI would be if I were 146 and it's 25.1, which would put me in the overweight category. But at 130, I would be at 22.3, which is right in the middle of the normal range.

So now I'm totally stressed out and confused. Does this mean that 130 pounds is unhealthy even though the BMI says it's good? Or does it mean that 130 is completely out of reach for me since it would put me below the healthy body fat percentage? WTF!

Run, Jane, Run

I had heard there was a difference between running on a treadmill and running in real life. I just didn't realize the extent of that difference.
I went on a run/walk this morning with a woman who is an avid runner. Carol, who has a great blog, does (in my opinion) crazy amounts of running. I mean, this woman runs up the mountain! She was kind enough to help me out with some guidance and motivation to help me get to the point where I can actually run. You may remember me mentioning the Wasatch Woman Love Your Body 5K/10K that is in August. I gotta tell you, August seems to be coming fast, and I haven't noticed any improvement in my running abilities. I'd really like to be able to do the 5K, just for the satisfaction of completing it. I guess we'll see.

Weight Loss Update

Well, it's the first of the month. Time to weigh and measure myself. This part still makes me want to huddle in the corner, hugging my knees and rocking, softly telling myself "it's not about the pounds; it's not about the inches; it's about how you feel. It's not about the pounds; it's not about the inches; it's about how you feel..."

I'm sorry, but it is about the pound. It is about the inches.

You know those people who say they changed something in their lifestyle, be it drinking water or exercising, and the weight just started to "melt off"? I want to punch those people. This is the slowest, most difficult, least rewarding thing I've ever done.

I know that technically I should be doing this for my health. So that at age 50 I'm not diabetic, asthmatic or arthritic. But is it so terrible to want to look good? To want to look like I've been working my butt off four to five days a week at the gym?

This is just hard. And a part of me (the part I do my best to keep suppressed deep inside of me) wants to throw the mother of all tantrums, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

But then there are the good days. I have noticed that I don't have nearly as many fat days as I used to. You know, the days where all you want to do is sit in your dark living room, in your baggiest sweats, the only sign of life the flickering light from the television on your face? Ya, those days don't come up quite as often anymore.

I also have to say that going to the gym is feeling less and less like a fight and more like a normal part of my day. I'm almost starting to enjoy it.

So that is the roller coaster that has been my life this past month. And for the part you've all been waiting for, I'm sure. In May, my weight was 174, my chest was 40.5", my stomach (the largest part, not my actual waist) was 40", and my hips were 45".

Today, June 1st, my weight is 170, my chest is 39.5", my stomach is 39.5", and my hips are 44". Progress? Yes? Only meager, at best. But it's still enough to keep me going, so I guess that's enough.

I did a bad thing

I had the strongest craving for a cheeseburger tonight. And I totally caved!

I'm not proud of myself. And my stomach is rather unhappy with me as well.

I always seem to hit the proverbial wall two weeks after starting a healthy habit. I successfully broke through the exercise wall, but my diet wall has been tougher. I've been doing pretty good the last couple of weeks, but lately I've been craving bad, bad food. While my mind seems to be all in on the idea of eating crap, my stomach is of an opposing opinion. Crap food didn't used to make me feel ill, and now it does. Could this be construed as a fringe benefit of a healthier lifestyle? It certainly doesn't feel good right now, but I guess if it prevents me from eating like crap in the future, I'll try to see it as a good thing.

Chocolate Cupcakes

I was in a baking sort of mood today. Seeing as I'm not an avid baker in any sense of the word, I need simple recipes. This chocolate cupcake recipe from Soup of the Day is not only super easy, but makes the most amazingly moist cupcakes EVER!

Some of you may be thinking that desserts and diets don't exactly go hand in hand. I think with normal diets, this can be true. I view it a little differently, though.

I generally don't deprive myself. If I did more often, I'm sure this weight would come off faster. But I really don't believe in diets. Diets aren't usually something you can stick with forever. I'm going for more of a change of lifestyle. I imagine there will be many cupcakes in my future and rather than avoiding them all completely, I want to develop a healthy relationship with them so I can enjoy them and still stay healthy.

Of course, giving most of them to family and friends helps stave off temptation as well.

Inspiration, not motivation

I'm not a motivated person. It's true. Even when it involves things I think I really want. I don't like to call it laziness, cause that just sounds so bad. So I fancy it up and call it unmotivated.

Some people just ooze motivation. They can do it all. Work, go to school, raise a family, stay fit, yaddah yaddah yaddah. They are motivated to do it all. Motivation comes a little harder for me.

For me, inspiration comes before motivation. I can't simply motivate myself to do something. But if I can find a way to get inspired, that's all the motivation I need.

A friend of mine's mom lost weight a few years ago and now runs a crazy amount every day; something like five or six miles, in the mountains no less! She's just super healthy and fit. Talking to her inspired me, thus motivating me to continue with my seemingly futile efforts.

I'm sure I'll need another does of inspiration in no time. Lucky for me, it's all around. I just have to look for it.

Wasatch Woman magazine "Love Your Body" 5K/10K

Some of you may know I'm doing an internship with Wasatch Woman magazine this summer. One of their events is this "Love Your Body" 5K/10K in August.

When I started working out in March, I asked the personal trainer who did my assessment if I was crazy to think I'd be able to train myself to run the 3.1 miles by August. She said I absolutely could, like it would be no problem.

It's been a problem.

Two months later and I'm nowhere near being able to run even a quarter of a mile, let alone three. I'm wondering if this is a genetic disorder I have; my inability to run.

Back in high school (when I was thin; ah, memories...) I remember having to run the mile in gym class. The first time I "ran" it, it took me 15 minutes, which you may know is more like a brisk walk than a run. Even after a semester of working out every day, I still only shaved that down to 10 minutes. Now, if I could do that again, I'd be thrilled, but I'm in much worse shape now.

So, to any of you runners, can anyone run? I'm being serious. My lungs feel like they're going to explode and I breathe so hard I feel like I'm going to throw up. Are some people just meant to be walkers?

Also, if any of you are interested in checking out the Wasatch Woman magazine "Love Your Body" 5K/10K, you really should. It sounds great!

The bathroom scale: Friend or Foe?

I have a sick addiction to weighing myself. I'm talking nearly every time I walk into my bathroom, I have to step on that scale.

I'm not sure why I do it. Maybe it's partially because I've lost a few pounds, so I check to make sure they are still gone. Or maybe it's because I'm expecting some sudden miracle and the scale will tell me I've lost 2o pounds. As you can imagine, this has yet to happen to me.

Do you think it's bad that I check my weight this often? How do I know when an addiction like this is adversely affecting my life?

Whole wheat pita bread from scratch

As some of you may now, last week I was unable to find pita bread in any of the grocery stores in my little town. One more thing to add to my list of things I can't get in Brigham City.

Anyway, I was prompted by Two Peas and Their Pod to make my own pita bread from scratch. She claimed it was easy. So I figured I'd give it a whirl. I found this recipe that seemed relatively easy and adapted it to use my whole wheat flour I already had.

They turned out OK. Not great. I seem to have a problem with getting bread to rise. I at least think I know what I did wrong. It didn't say to cover the dough while rising, but I think I should have anyway. Nonetheless, they taste just fine. Of course, the whole reason I wanted to have whole wheat pita bread was to go with falafels I was all sorts of excited to try. But my food processor is broken, so I haven't been able to try that yet.

Moral of the story: Whole wheat pita bread was easy to make, just a little time consuming. But I don't think I'll bother buying from the store anymore.

Orange cranberry oatmeal bran cookies

Yes, you read that right. I love oatmeal cookies. I think they're my favorite because they aren't overwhelmingly sweet. And I can just about trick myself into thinking they're healthy.

I also love bran muffins. Orange-cranberry bran muffins, to be exact. I've been trying to find a good recipe, but all of my attempts have ended up very dry. So, I thought I'd combine these too. I looked up several recipes and found this oatmeal cookie recipe. But, instead of 3 cups of oatmeal, I used 2 1/2 and added 1/4 cup each oat bran and wheat bran, substituted the raisins with about a cup of dried cranberries and added the grated peel of one orange.

I made these yesterday. I don't generally consider myself a cook on any level, but these turned out phenomenally! Too good, in fact. I ate two. Clearly this doesn't bode well for my diet, but I've refrained from overindulging today. Besides, my evening-sweets craving has been calmed by a soda and a Twinkie up to now, so an oatmeal bran cookie made from scratch is, at the very least, a step up. Wouldn't you agree?

"If you say it out loud, it won't come true..."

I think wishes being jinxed when said aloud applies to much more than birthdays. It seems like every time I tell someone what my goals are, I fall short. Nonetheless, here I am, throwing caution to the wind. I'm telling you my wish...

I wish to be thin again.

I cringe to even type the words. It just feels like bad luck. But that's not fair. I should be able to voice my wishes and, hopefully, get some added support to reach those dreams.

I had an epiphany of sorts last weekend. I was feeling down (everyone has those days) about things in general. I won't get into details as they are certainly carbon copies of the random things everyone gets bummed over from time to time. But something struck me this time. While I may not be in control of things like the economy, school, job market, etc., I am in total and complete control of my body. Strange as it may sound, this made something click inside me. I am in complete control of what I take into my body and how I take care of it.

I feel a renewed endurance for this diet and exercise crap I've been doing for the last two months (again, with no results). I realized I haven't been doing everything I could be to get me to my goal. Now I've been able to keep this new motto, if you will, in mind with everything I do. I feel like I can do this, because it's my body. And nothing, not money, not school, not my husband, not anything or anyone can do it for me.

So, here I go. I think I'm doing fairly well, though, as I've lost four pounds. I'm sure that's not just since Sunday; I'm not delusional. But even seeing that helps motivate me. And, to really give myself some accountability, I'm willing to bear it all. Right here and now. I'm going to post my full picture, weight and measurements every month on this blog as a sort of progress report. So, if you're reading this, wish me luck, I guess.

"Go Veg"

Here's an article I wrote on veganism. Could I do it? I don't know. But they may be on to something here.

Centsibly Chic post

Here's my latest Wasatch Woman magazine blog post.
Check it out.
http://www.wasatchwoman.com/blogs.php?cont=post&id=127

I wanna be a yogi!

I've been wanting to take a swing at yoga for a while now. I have one dvd that has two twenty-minute sessions on it. It's great for beginners, which is good, cause I'm nothing if not a beginner.
I've always wanted to be flexible and yoga seems to deliver that. And since I can't get my husband to go to the gym with me in the mornings, I decided I should do yoga. Every morning!
So, does anyone know of a good beginners yoga dvd? I'm sure I'll bore of the one I've got fairly quickly, so I'll need something new.

Walking; Hey, I can do that!

I was waiting in line at the grocery store today when the cover of a Prevention Guide caught my eye. "Walking Fit: Walk Off 5, 10, 20 Pounds" Intrigued, I purchased it. The issue outlined a 6-week walking program that can supposedly burn more fat than running, even possibly dropping a dress size in said six weeks. I'm hooked.

But how can this be possible? I mean, walking? Anyone can walk, right? To say the least, I am skeptical, but optimistic. If I can somehow lose twenty pounds by walking, well, I could certainly handle that.

So, I started it today. It's a ridiculously simple plan to follow. And with the Wasatch Woman Magazine women-only 5k/10k run coming up in August, it seems like good timing. Here's hoping.

New Favorite Workout & Snack

New favorite workout: Walking lunges. The first time my trainer had me do the (three sets, 15 reps each leg) is LITERALLY could barely walk for a full week. My thighs have never hurt that much, but even worse (now better) I've never felt it in the spot right under my butt before. Now when I do it, it's just that good kind of sore. And my butt! If anything's going to tone that sucker, it's walking lunges.

New favorite snack: Laughing Cow Light Original Swiss. This stuff is so good. I feel like I'm eating something bad for me, but it's only 35 calories a serving. It's good on sandwiches, on apples and pears, or all by itself. Oh, Laughing Cow, I don't know what I did without you!

My attempt at getting healthy

Some of you may recall about six weeks ago my telling you I joined a gym. Well, it's been six weeks and I still haven't seen any results. Needless to say, I'm quite frustrated. I figured I'd at least feel better, if not have lost a few pounds.

Unfortunately, I believe I've been sabotaging myself. Motivation has never been my strongest asset. I wouldn't even call it a weak asset. And while I'm almost enjoying going to the gym now, my diet (or lack there of) is making it nearly pointless. What's interesting is I love good food. I love cooked veggies, fish, chicken, salads, whole wheat pastas, fruits, legumes. I love it. My problem, it seems, is that I'm too lazy to cook anything like that for myself. For lunch and dinner I'm usually too, well, lazy to do much more than hit a fast food chain. And I really hate that about myself. I need to change if I'm ever going to lose this disgusting weight and finally get healthy.

So, what's my plan, you ask? Well, I'm going to start with making a list of breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks I like and are good for me. Then I'm going to make a menu for the week of dinners I'll make. Finally, I'm going to force myself to drink WAY more water and eat a healthy snack between each meal. There's no secret here. I need to quit eating fast food (also a money saving idea) and start eating the way I know I should be.

Wish me luck and cross your fingers. I'll keep you posted.

New music video by "Get Scared"

AWESOME!!!