Hey! I've Moved!!

I've moved my blog.

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My neurosis

I'd like to take a moment to thank those of you who have been so supportive through my last few posts. Particularly when taking into consideration that I am a

crazy person!

I think I may be somewhat neurotic about this whole weight-loss thing. Ok, maybe completely neurotic. I have now somehow managed to come to a conclusion of sorts. It really doesn't matter what the scale says. To an extent anyway. While I still fully plan on tracking some of my progress through actual weight loss, I'm thinking I should focus on more. For instance, is it more important that I weigh 130 pounds, or that I have toned, sexy legs that I want to show off in dresses? Is is better to weigh 130 pounds, or to feel good in a bikini again?

Really, my new conclusion is no less shallow than my last. What I'm focusing on now is how I actually look, as opposed to what I weigh. So, even if that damn scale says I weigh 150 pounds, if I look good, then to hell with it!

Healthy Body Fat Percentage

On my initial meeting with my trainer, she measured my body fat percentage. Needless to say, it was WAY too high. And if I remember correctly, I had 116 pounds of lean body mass, i.e. muscle, bones, organs, etc. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but lately I have been trying to set a realistic and healthy "goal weight" for myself.

I was 120 in high school, but I've come to the realization that that ship has sailed. So I was thinking maybe 130 would be more realistic.

I couldn't remember what my trainer had said a healthy body fat percentage was, so I googled it and several different sources said for women age 20-40 the range is 21%-33%. I was stunned! That seems like a TON of body fat. I took out my little calculator and figured that with my 116 pounds of lean body mass I have now, adding 21% body fat, I would weigh 146 pounds. That doesn't seem like the weight of a fit, healthy 25-year-old.

Then on top of that, I calculated what my BMI would be if I were 146 and it's 25.1, which would put me in the overweight category. But at 130, I would be at 22.3, which is right in the middle of the normal range.

So now I'm totally stressed out and confused. Does this mean that 130 pounds is unhealthy even though the BMI says it's good? Or does it mean that 130 is completely out of reach for me since it would put me below the healthy body fat percentage? WTF!

Run, Jane, Run

I had heard there was a difference between running on a treadmill and running in real life. I just didn't realize the extent of that difference.
I went on a run/walk this morning with a woman who is an avid runner. Carol, who has a great blog, does (in my opinion) crazy amounts of running. I mean, this woman runs up the mountain! She was kind enough to help me out with some guidance and motivation to help me get to the point where I can actually run. You may remember me mentioning the Wasatch Woman Love Your Body 5K/10K that is in August. I gotta tell you, August seems to be coming fast, and I haven't noticed any improvement in my running abilities. I'd really like to be able to do the 5K, just for the satisfaction of completing it. I guess we'll see.

Weight Loss Update

Well, it's the first of the month. Time to weigh and measure myself. This part still makes me want to huddle in the corner, hugging my knees and rocking, softly telling myself "it's not about the pounds; it's not about the inches; it's about how you feel. It's not about the pounds; it's not about the inches; it's about how you feel..."

I'm sorry, but it is about the pound. It is about the inches.

You know those people who say they changed something in their lifestyle, be it drinking water or exercising, and the weight just started to "melt off"? I want to punch those people. This is the slowest, most difficult, least rewarding thing I've ever done.

I know that technically I should be doing this for my health. So that at age 50 I'm not diabetic, asthmatic or arthritic. But is it so terrible to want to look good? To want to look like I've been working my butt off four to five days a week at the gym?

This is just hard. And a part of me (the part I do my best to keep suppressed deep inside of me) wants to throw the mother of all tantrums, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

But then there are the good days. I have noticed that I don't have nearly as many fat days as I used to. You know, the days where all you want to do is sit in your dark living room, in your baggiest sweats, the only sign of life the flickering light from the television on your face? Ya, those days don't come up quite as often anymore.

I also have to say that going to the gym is feeling less and less like a fight and more like a normal part of my day. I'm almost starting to enjoy it.

So that is the roller coaster that has been my life this past month. And for the part you've all been waiting for, I'm sure. In May, my weight was 174, my chest was 40.5", my stomach (the largest part, not my actual waist) was 40", and my hips were 45".

Today, June 1st, my weight is 170, my chest is 39.5", my stomach is 39.5", and my hips are 44". Progress? Yes? Only meager, at best. But it's still enough to keep me going, so I guess that's enough.